Infinte.

The moments given
image link

It started, it progressed, it became and now it's ending. Goodbyes are not forever, just simply an I'll miss you till I see you again. It's time look back for awhile. Look at my low points and high points too. Remembering the past and hoping it helps the future. When I started this blog post I looked over a post called, "The Effects of Leaving and Coming Back"  it sounded forced, like what I was saying were just lies. Only because I didn't want people to think I was unhappy here. I was happy, just not home… But reading further to newer posts the lies weren't there. When I started this blog I was the praying for the U-Haul to come and drive me back to San Diego. For my parents to grab me at school and give me a one way ticket out of here. I just wanted to go home. I was a girl who never saw an actual winter. I was the kid who realized most of her classmates are Barneys. I cried in between classes and kept looking for the quickest escape route. I was just hoping that grasping on would be less painful than letting go. Blogging gave me an outlet, a place where I could go away from the loud whispers around me. Did it change it my life? No, not even close. But it showed me how much I've changed through out the year.  Starting out as a new kid dealing with clouds of ignorance. Ending up a little less new and little less ignorant. And it's because of the moments I've had here. The nights where Maya and I couldn't stop laughing or the days where the house seemed too quite. The lunches where Olivia drank her kiwis or Annie wouldn't stop yelling. The tournaments when Nina got angry or when Sariah flirted with a cowboy. Or the English classes where Haley debated and Ashley complained.  Or maybe the weekends spent cooking and studying. They made what I am today. My self confidence is much higher, my writing is much better and my family and I are much closer. I do know that I'm different today than I was yesterday. It's funny looking back how much I hated change and now looking forward I can't wait for it. And though this is the end, I don't feel like I'm losing what I've tried to say for the past year. I've accepted what's to come. The fact that I'll be living in 'cardboard' for four more years.  Or how I'm always going to miss San Diego, just less as I did before. Differences and similarities will always be sorted out in my mind. Lessons will stick with me for a long time... For example, my fourth grade teacher taught me a lot. How we shouldn't write the end on a paper unless we really are done. I told him I wouldn't ever write that till I had to end something significant. I've been waiting for awhile to that write down. I'm a girl within the story with too many pages. Who likes to look back and reminisce. Who knows she feels loved. The End.

When Haley laughed and Ashley smiled. 

A Personal Defintion of Being Self Conscious

While you're hiding your head,
you might just be a wonder to everyone else.
Image thanks to Pinterest.com

Self Conscious: feeling undue awareness of oneself, one's appearance, or one's actions, Merriam Webster. I'm not gonna rant about the problems in today's society and go all feminist on you. But I will say this and only this. We all should have right to be self conscious. I'm strong believer in that everything and everyone is beautiful, I also understand the greatness of this contradiction. But when your close friend tells you that what you feel is stupid or someone you trust calls you selfish because of it. You slowly start to wonder why the people you are closest to suddenly feels the need to talk this emotion away from you. Though you know it's all in good measure. I just can't help but feel that some teenage right of mine is being taken away. Because I understand we are our own worst critics and the way I look myself should be better than it actually is. And when the people who care about me are trying to shut down that feeling, I can't just help but laugh because I feel like it's making it worse. I know they don't know that either. This might feel like I'm blaming them but I'm not. Maybe they don't know what they are doing because of the way I portray myself, if so I'm glad. Maybe this is too personal for you or me. But this is also something that needs to be said or read. The truth is, no matter how many people say otherwise, people will have low self esteem. Blame beauty standards, rude high school kids or other justifiable reasons. So why does society diminish this feeling? If we all feel it some point in our lives, instead of saying no, why not let us be? Why do we bring others down if we all go through similar things? It doesn't make sense, self loathing is common theme in most people's lives. So here's my definition of being self conscious. It's the feeling of insecurity, when you look away from the mirror or curse your self for talking. It's those moments when you keep your head down and stay quite because you don't want to do anything wrong. The moments when the laughing from others is what is causing your crying. Or when the people who love you most say the wrong thing at the worst time. So there you go, put others down. But make sure you understand, that in the end of it all you caused it. You caused the feeling of crushing defeat. The same feeling that will be put on you by another. It's a cycle, the needing to hurt others. So once more, it's the feeling when you're at your lowest. When the laughing is too much or the silence is deafening. It's  the collapsing when the people you love, don't seem to care at all. And when the loneliness catches up with you just to keep you company. If you go by this definition or another's, I hope that you understand the feeling of it all is the same.

Team is Family Always

When people think they're right.
Thanks to Washington Post.

It's my first day, I'm already late for class. Trying to hide the fact that I was crying a few seconds ago. Eyes wide, fear following and cursing the newness too. Trying to the shake off the fact that I was alone. Then I opened a door... I'm gonna be honest that entire class period is a blur. I just know that a couple months later, I wasn't very alone anymore. A key factor when you move is trying to find out where you belong. A team or class maybe. Mine was debate make fun but, I'm not ashamed. Debate became a class I looked forward to go to. I was eager to prove myself. A few months in, turns out it wasn't that bad. I met a quite girl who ended up shocking everyone at how abusive she can be in a round. Nina Williams is a better debater than me but we complete the things we are missing. She's assertive and strong but I'm aggressive and passionate. My amazing public forum partner Nina and I became an unstoppable (sort of) team. (Only freshmen and placed in semi-nationals.) Soon enough my public forum team became my family.   Lulu and Caliegh always there to help. Kyle and Sariah came up with new ideas and always seemed to make me laugh. Joe and Charlie didn't treat us like we were "just freshmen". Nick Coleman and Will Doyle, my event leads, where do I begin with them. Intimidating, insane, slightly egotistical and the most likely to trick the world leaders that nuclear war is a good idea. But they are also talented, funny and good mentors. They helped us become better debaters, though I will never admit it aloud, I owe most of my wins to them. The other segments of the team helped me with adjustment as well. The impromptu team always provided entertainment, Aidan and Adam H. never seize to amaze me. The policy teams leaves me wide eyed, Devon and Gavin always seemed to try to recruit us to their debate cult. The congress team in general just makes me laugh. Our captains gave me something to aspire to. Abby and Catelin are treasures. Bella Canada is just bad a$$. Bella Canada calms you, she makes you smile and she gives you goals. All in all that team became my backbone. My team is family. I mean who else would I spend bus rides at five am with or spend hours with in some random high school. Who else would push me to move on when I had the flu and could barely even move. They helped me through defeats and wins. That's how you know you found good people when, they accept you in high and low moments. When they seem to understand the most confusing parts of you. The people who make you look back at the past just to give you a push in the future. Thank you my team and thank you my family.

Dear.. Well Everyone

picture cred to pintrest.com

Dear people who have an opinion about me,

I never pretended to be anything. Don't hate me because I wasn't what you wanted me to be or what you thought I was. In the end I only was ever one person. I once heard that I was "hated by many, loved by plenty, disliked by some and confronted by none." (Which I'm sure this person read some where and thought it was funny.) Which got me thinking, what did I ever do to you. Did I say the wrong thing, do you realize that I'm new and when you're new you don't know what isn't allowed in other people's minds. If so, I'm sorry but this is what I am. When I say I dislike a person there is a reason. I don't just look at people and have a bad emotion towards them. So when I do bring that up, don't push me off. I grew up on the fact that if someone was talking about me, someone was gonna tell me. In my head you aren't a true friend if you let those people stab me in the back. If I trust you congratulations, you're one of the lucky few. I've been bruised, left and hurt before, so please don't think this trust as a vulnerability. If anything it's just me showing you my metaphorical scars. For those who think they know me, you have only read a page. I didn't grow up with the amount of money you did. I worked my butt off just to get where I am, I don't need your ignorant minds trying to make memories for me. I have enough. For the people that believe we are friends, have you stopped to think there's a reason. Maybe it's because in my head you're gonna be there for me. That if you're aware of my back stabbers that maybe you should tell me. Maybe if I get the courage to tell you that there's a problem, that maybe you should take it under consideration. You probably don't care, but that's how you'd loose me. By letting every problem that I have, brush off your shoulders. I'm not saying make me a priority but loyalty could be help. You're right I may not like a lot of people but listening and understanding would be nice. And for the person who listens. Thank you, thank you for pretending to understand. Even if you're so far away, I know no matter how I feel here you'll be over there ready to hear me. To everyone, I have flaws. I believe things and I argue. I think loyalty is important and fake people bother me. I won't always meet expectations. I'm also human and believe it or not so are you. The difference between most of you guys and me is that I accept my flaws while you simply ignore them. This is me.
Sincerely,
An emotionally tired girl.

I am...

I am… Loved.

"Guys, guess what I just figured out." "What?' "Birth Certificates are basically baby recites." "Really, Reede, really?" "Rachael did you hear this?" "To be honest, I'm trying to ignore you right now." "But this is an amazing discovery!" "Yea, okay Reede." So this was an actual conversation that I had with my math buddies, Juliana and Rachael. The people I thank G*D for every day after lunch… When you move you may want to reinvent yourself, go right ahead. But keep the parts that makes you, you. I know this sounds cheesy, but I've found that certain moments make me who I am, I'm weird, like the moment I gave you first. So I asked my friends what was the first word that they could think of when they thought of me. I am;
Inspiring,
"We won't be able to do this." "Nina yes we can." "How do you know that." "Because I know if I didn't believe in us this much I wouldn't have ever started, I wouldn't be getting ready to talk about carbon tax or Russia or refugees, I believe that no matter how stressed I get. You're gonna be there, telling me about some contention or framework problem. I wouldn't wake up at 4:30 on a Saturday to drive down to Salt Lake. I would let those days where, we are looked down because we are freshman, get to me. I know we got this." "Thank you... How much coffee did you have this morning?" "Too much Nina too much."
Poetic,
"How would you describe being a human." "You know that moment when you are about to loose or the day finally comes crashing down on you. You keep saying it's going to be okay over and over, even if you don't believe it. Or those moments when you walk down the street and you hear that song, the one your dad used to play in the car and now every memory of it sweeps through you. When time finally stops and sits down to have a conversation, not remembering that there are tests to be taken or papers to write." "Where the hell did that come from?" "I have no idea."
Realistic
"So Utah, you excited?" "Why because I'm leaving what I know and the people who love me. To go to a place where I'll be an outsider for awhile." "Dude be a little more optimistic." "Why there isn't a point of sugar coating it, it's gonna suck but I'm gonna have to do it anyway."

I can be who I want because I don't care. I am who I am for a reason, it doesn't matter what town or who I am with. I am the girl laughing too loudly or the one arguing. I have my head stuck in a book. I bite my nails, I love to write and I refuse to filter myself for anyone. I am who I was supposed to be.

Being Erased to Be Remembered

Blank Face = Loneliness
Huffington Post

I will show you how much my words mean. I refuse to be a blank face in your yearbook. I will be something, I swear. I will show you what I am worth, because I will prove to you that I can work just as hard. I've cried too many tears, broken my soul, and travelled through unfamiliar trails to get respect. Just to get right back where I am… When you move no one knows anything about you, there is two sides of that. A clean slate yes but there is one thing that I'm still working for. Not to be blurred face. It's hard for us new kids, now exactly how hard is it? Picture this you're walking down the hall, someone knocks you down, people will just stare, some will giggle and others don't even glance. The one thing they will all have in common is that in the next twenty minutes, my face won't be remembered. It was if when I crossed that Utah border, I was erased. So little people will recognize me outside of class. In San Diego, I'm talked about like a ghost. My face is barely remembered and my actions have been deleted. I'm the girl that never said goodbye. I'm the girl they miss, I'm the girl who said the speech that was the summary of their childhood years. I'm a blurred face, I'm the person in the hall you won't recognize, I'm the picture in the yearbook you don't even look at. I won't be important to you. But I wanna be something, I want my name to be known. When I die, I want my family to say that my thoughts changed the world. I know that sounds cliche, it's true though. I want the kid's that I grew up with, to hear my name and have to dig. Dig because they skipped over this blurred face. I want someone to ask them about me and memories pour in. The times where I fell down to get back up, the times where your eyes looked over me because I was insignificant to you. I have my friends yes and I am thankful for them, at least I know I'm not always alone. So when my name comes up in the news, I hope they remember the texts that were unanswered, the days where they try to filter me. Those unfiltered moments will be the reason why I will be remembered. Don't believe me, just watch. I'll make it on my own. My erased face will not go unforgotten. So if being erased is how I'm going to be remembered, so be it. I'm the girl they miss, I'm the girl who said the speech that was the summary of their childhood years. I'm a blurred face, I'm the person in the hall you won't recognize, I'm the picture in the yearbook you don't even look at. I won't be important to you. But I promise you I will be someone.

New isn't Easy

image thanks to pintrest.com

Friendships are fragile, distance can shatter. Happy endings don't always happen. People change, hearts grow and shrink. Strength can be mistaken for bravery. The walls we build may seem like bricks but, they're really made of paper. These are the truths, the truths that haunt me... I want to apologize I've shown the good that comes out moving what helped me, but never what hurts me. I've made this blog like a photo, smiling most of the time. Here's the truth nothing new is easy. New can be scary, new is unknown.  Nothing is easy when it's new. I want people to be calm when they move but not cocky. Making friends is hard, having to deal with rumors is harder. Some days you will crash and some days you will fly. You will want to go back on random days. It'll hit you like hurricane hitting a peaceful harbor. You'll wonder why at first, why people who haven't talk to you in months are coming in to your mind so suddenly. You'll want to call, but you stop yourself cause you are smarter then that. New isn't easy. New is cold at first but somehow the warmth will find you as it always does. Don't give up on new, don't loose hope some how happiness will find you. But new will still be there, it'll be there when old stories are told. When are photographs are shown. Trust me, new will hold your hand all the way through. People do leave, friends can become strangers but people enter as well. Strangers will become friends. New may not be easy, but it does have sense of humanity. It won't let you down, the killer moths in your stomach will come. The nerves will shake you, but new bodies won't break you. Trust me, though shattering can happen to you, you will find people to pick up the pieces. I will not promise anything, it's taken me to long to finish writing this post, mostly because I don't know how to end it. It isn't new for me to end something so important but it's always hard. Which brings me to tell you when familiarity comes to your door and whispers hello. It'll be short, new seems to come around the corner, once comfortably settles in, new will be there to kick it out. It might not be moving, it might be people or feelings. Still it's new who will never seem to be easy.  New can be scary, new is unknown.  Nothing is easy when it's new. Making friends is hard, having to deal with rumors is harder. Some days you will crash and some days you will fly. You will want to go back on random days. But as the days go on, new will have to pack it's bags for final goodbye. Only because nothing is new, naive or even innocent for too long. Friendships are fragile, distance can shatter. Happy endings don't always happen. People change, hearts grow and shrink. Strength can be mistaken for bravery. The walls we build may seem like bricks but, they're really made of paper.

Dear

Dear Sarah Kay, 

If I should have a Daughter Picture thanks to Wikipedia

 I would call you my mentor but I never got to meet you. You are the one person I could never get sick of listening to. You are the one person who seems to not say the wrong thing. Is there a word for that? Even so I don't think that word would describe how much you mean to me. How much I need to tell you. I want to tell you a story about a girl who was scared. Who found a person that showed her a path she didn't know that she could take. No it was never literal, always with hidden meanings. But thanks to you that little girl turned out to have a talent in her that ended up saving her. When I watch you preform, it's as if you have everything figured out. In that moment the world was just another blur that you would see through the window. The smirk you have right when you know a stanza is going to change the point of view for the world. My name is Reede (read) Nasser and I am fourteen years old. I have watched you speak for years now. I was scared to show people my poetry for a long time, then one day I came along the video called Point B. (Low quality video, high quality material. ) That was your poem, you were on Ted that day showing your works and that one you decided to preform. Thanks to you I signed up for poetry club the very next day. I know all of this sounds quite naive, that is not me. See I have just moved and for the most part that is what this blog is about. I tell people what it's like leaving and after. What some kids might need, it might soothe some of their worries. It's something that I wish I had access to when I found out I was moving. I've put off the blog post about writing for awhile only cause I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. Telling people that I write about anything. About how some people break, others leave you and the worst of all some will just look. I hope you read some of my posts (Moral of the Story or It's just a Book), to see that I am not a girl blinded by ego or the sunlight. That I am a person who has learned a few things about change. Maybe you might just learn a few things that you never have come across. Such as I have learned from you. Which could leave you waiting for more and waiting for an answer is dangerous. So I will write hoping you see this, hoping that you will read and think, "this girl could survive this thing we call life."  Maybe you'll come back and never tell me. Stay silent, though you know that a girl is hoping that you are. Maybe I'll start to notice how one person in New York keeps coming here and reading. Maybe it'll become a game for you. We will gain a relationship. Me thinking you're someone from Monotawk. But you knowing the truth. Whatever the story, if this letter never grazes your eyes or if you read this too many times. Just know that you have created a world for me with just the words, "If I should have a daughter"

Sincerely,

Reede Nasser

«∞here's to the tumblr kids∞«

imagine thanks to lovethispics

Our flat ironed hair goes to messy buns. We put on some pajama shorts and high knee socks. We forget about all the drama that happened before because for us it doesn't matter. We are bedroom goals, beach pictures and nothing will get in our way from our computers. We all do this for our fandoms, for our families outside of blood. This is for tumblr.  This is for the tumblr kids. This is for the girls with high expectations, that want the things they can't have. This is for the boys who want to be that boy, the one all the girls talk about. This is for the girls writing imagines about a person they've never met but some how still love them anyhow. For the boys who love the kid shows and books. For the kids who would do anything for fanmily (fandom family). We are the kids you wouldn't expect to say these things, but we do anyway. Dreaming about the One True Pair (my OTP don't you judge)  or those perfect sunset pictures. So let's cheers, here's to the kids who want more then the black and white polaroid picture. Here's to the artists who find an outlet, to the writers who pour their hearts out in a single poem, and to the game changers who find a way to transform a single post into a different life. Everyone telling us to get off the shiny glowing screens, but we won't. Only because we are in the only place where hobbits talk to shadowhunters, where you watch as a Directioner and a Potterhead fight about the difference between being an atheist and not believing in G*d. We get to watch as the boy in Arizona who sits in the back of the class finally talks to the loud and outgoing girl in New York. Make fun of us sure, say we are just scared teens who are to addicted to our computers to go outside. We write a new world inside of very favorite books, rewrite an ending in so many different ways. (SPOILERS ALERT NOT REALLY THOUGH) For us this time Tris isn't gonna die, Draco and Harry will realize they love each other. Or they will rewrite their own story, this time he won't lie to me, this time she'll believe me. Here's to the tumblr kids, the one's who find an outlet. Here's to the kids who live by music lyrics.  This one's for the kids who don't really seem to care but actually care too much. Because if it wasn't for us who comedians make stereotypes about. Because who would the author's write their tragic characters after. We fill in the spaces people think that are empty. We are the unknowns, we are the spaces that don't need to be filled. So here's to us. This blog post is for the broken and unbroken, for the naive and knowing, for the girls and boys. This was for the tumblr kids.

They're in My life For a Reason

:) Thanks to data:image

You're nervous when you're new. Don't know if it's because everything you turn to is new, and you can't turn to anyone because you're so nervous. All you need is that one person to lean on or direct you through the flames. It's crucial when you're new to put your pride on your floor and actually talk to people.  It's not as hard as you would believe. See, I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. People either come into your life because they are a lesson or a chance. So with that the people I've become close with, I've met all for a reason. I'm glad for it, for the late night talks, for the weird conversations, for the shoulders to lean on.  There are a few people in this world that I can trust fully, but each of them give me a reason to. It's funny if you think about it, in your hometown or wherever you came from, the people who you're friends with seem to be the only people you think about spending every weekend with. After moving you realize about the people outside of that small-town of yours. On that note, I never liked the word squad, it always bothered me, until Utah when  I found mine. This sounds this ridiculous I know, its weird just saying it. But hey that's what we call ourselves. Five girls, four boys and all with very interesting thoughts.  My bestie with the pink hair [:0] Sam Petersen always gets us talking about the most deep and intricate stuff. For example; religion, gender, politics (don't get even me started) or anything really important going on at each other's lives. Then good old Bryce Murrin or Annie Sheinburg  (I'm sorry if I spelled that wrong) decides to get us all rabid and laughing about some really interesting, for lack of a better word, topic. Maya Levine then normally says something half of us will be take the wrong way. Which will make us give her crud and laugh even more. Then Olivia Welter will actually make us talk about it, or least explain what goes on in a few of our minds. Then the amazing Sean Lydon will make a sarcastic comment, which will cause Nash Batten to get awkward and Cris Mora to say something that only Cris would say. My favorite part of those moments is to watch how happy each of us is with each other. So there you go a short glimpse of a small amount of squad hangouts. These people might be loud or a little weird to the normal black and white eye but for me, they are so much more. They are the people who I can depend for a shoulder or smile. We might not all understand what each of us go through, but that's the best part is we don't pretend to. We call each other out, say things we don't mean, argue till we're out of breathe but that's us. I wouldn't expect you guys to understand because you aren't there. Some people from school try to, it just doesn't work out. Only because they aren't there for the important parts of our tragically beautiful story. I met them for a reason, each teaching me valuable lessons, each shaping me to be better. So I thank you lucky few I call a squad. Thank You... 

The Moral of the Story

Image thanks to Pintrest.com

Lets go back to elementary school when you had to learn the moral of the story. Trying to figure out what the author was trying to tell you. Here's the my moral you guys or lesson of you will. Life doesn't owe you anything, you have to work for what you get. I'm honestly done with people complaining about how they have too much or too little. There are approximately 7.3 billion people on this world, do you really think your problem is the biggest one. People are dying for worst causes then a broken nail. Stop making things to nonsense on purpose. If you are going to scream remember what happened when the boy cried wolf, or how curiosity killed the cat. Maybe you'll remember that tricks aren't supposed to be played constantly and that some news just aren't for you to know. Start paying attention to the morals of the stories that we learned as kids. A rapper once said "I write 'till my fingers look like a bouquet of roses  you got to bring yourself your flowers now in show biz' focus it's quiet coyote come on let's go, kids Everybody get together with a study buddy And I'll talk about the **** that I don't give." Yes I just quoted Watsky. But he has a very valid point, you work hard to achieve, I will repeat this again, life doesn't owe you a thing.  You may save a life and get fired from your job and you may cry a hundred days and never smile. Life doesn't play by any rules, no point in believing that it does. I'm turning fifteen this year and I've already grasped this idea of not knowing what comes next. Maybe my moral of life is wrong but so is the fact that no one believed the boy when he needed help or how the rabbit lost it's race. Life is realistic, our lessons we were taught as kids weren't. Maybe that's why so many people believe that they deserve something. We aren't going to be children forever, I'm not saying to stop teaching blind optimism. But at some age we should realize that there isn't a point in still believing that our prince or princess will come. If we were taught to dream don't you think most nights would less dark. Maybe the girl who said she's just little tired means something more. Or the boy who has the math answers would like to talk about anything but. We were taught that the boy lied every time and rabbit got a little cocky. Maybe the boy had anxiety and got a little scared. Maybe the rabbit got sick of being the winner and wanted to learn something. So yes please complain, please not read the whole story. Maybe you will actually learn a few things about the true moral of life. Life doesn't owe you anything. So if you bring up elementary school stories, just know that fairytales aren't gonna come true. If you read into more then just the surface you'd see terrors of living in terrorless happiness. Because the moral of the story is?....