Infinte.

The moments given
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It started, it progressed, it became and now it's ending. Goodbyes are not forever, just simply an I'll miss you till I see you again. It's time look back for awhile. Look at my low points and high points too. Remembering the past and hoping it helps the future. When I started this blog post I looked over a post called, "The Effects of Leaving and Coming Back"  it sounded forced, like what I was saying were just lies. Only because I didn't want people to think I was unhappy here. I was happy, just not home… But reading further to newer posts the lies weren't there. When I started this blog I was the praying for the U-Haul to come and drive me back to San Diego. For my parents to grab me at school and give me a one way ticket out of here. I just wanted to go home. I was a girl who never saw an actual winter. I was the kid who realized most of her classmates are Barneys. I cried in between classes and kept looking for the quickest escape route. I was just hoping that grasping on would be less painful than letting go. Blogging gave me an outlet, a place where I could go away from the loud whispers around me. Did it change it my life? No, not even close. But it showed me how much I've changed through out the year.  Starting out as a new kid dealing with clouds of ignorance. Ending up a little less new and little less ignorant. And it's because of the moments I've had here. The nights where Maya and I couldn't stop laughing or the days where the house seemed too quite. The lunches where Olivia drank her kiwis or Annie wouldn't stop yelling. The tournaments when Nina got angry or when Sariah flirted with a cowboy. Or the English classes where Haley debated and Ashley complained.  Or maybe the weekends spent cooking and studying. They made what I am today. My self confidence is much higher, my writing is much better and my family and I are much closer. I do know that I'm different today than I was yesterday. It's funny looking back how much I hated change and now looking forward I can't wait for it. And though this is the end, I don't feel like I'm losing what I've tried to say for the past year. I've accepted what's to come. The fact that I'll be living in 'cardboard' for four more years.  Or how I'm always going to miss San Diego, just less as I did before. Differences and similarities will always be sorted out in my mind. Lessons will stick with me for a long time... For example, my fourth grade teacher taught me a lot. How we shouldn't write the end on a paper unless we really are done. I told him I wouldn't ever write that till I had to end something significant. I've been waiting for awhile to that write down. I'm a girl within the story with too many pages. Who likes to look back and reminisce. Who knows she feels loved. The End.

When Haley laughed and Ashley smiled. 

A Personal Defintion of Being Self Conscious

While you're hiding your head,
you might just be a wonder to everyone else.
Image thanks to Pinterest.com

Self Conscious: feeling undue awareness of oneself, one's appearance, or one's actions, Merriam Webster. I'm not gonna rant about the problems in today's society and go all feminist on you. But I will say this and only this. We all should have right to be self conscious. I'm strong believer in that everything and everyone is beautiful, I also understand the greatness of this contradiction. But when your close friend tells you that what you feel is stupid or someone you trust calls you selfish because of it. You slowly start to wonder why the people you are closest to suddenly feels the need to talk this emotion away from you. Though you know it's all in good measure. I just can't help but feel that some teenage right of mine is being taken away. Because I understand we are our own worst critics and the way I look myself should be better than it actually is. And when the people who care about me are trying to shut down that feeling, I can't just help but laugh because I feel like it's making it worse. I know they don't know that either. This might feel like I'm blaming them but I'm not. Maybe they don't know what they are doing because of the way I portray myself, if so I'm glad. Maybe this is too personal for you or me. But this is also something that needs to be said or read. The truth is, no matter how many people say otherwise, people will have low self esteem. Blame beauty standards, rude high school kids or other justifiable reasons. So why does society diminish this feeling? If we all feel it some point in our lives, instead of saying no, why not let us be? Why do we bring others down if we all go through similar things? It doesn't make sense, self loathing is common theme in most people's lives. So here's my definition of being self conscious. It's the feeling of insecurity, when you look away from the mirror or curse your self for talking. It's those moments when you keep your head down and stay quite because you don't want to do anything wrong. The moments when the laughing from others is what is causing your crying. Or when the people who love you most say the wrong thing at the worst time. So there you go, put others down. But make sure you understand, that in the end of it all you caused it. You caused the feeling of crushing defeat. The same feeling that will be put on you by another. It's a cycle, the needing to hurt others. So once more, it's the feeling when you're at your lowest. When the laughing is too much or the silence is deafening. It's  the collapsing when the people you love, don't seem to care at all. And when the loneliness catches up with you just to keep you company. If you go by this definition or another's, I hope that you understand the feeling of it all is the same.

Team is Family Always

When people think they're right.
Thanks to Washington Post.

It's my first day, I'm already late for class. Trying to hide the fact that I was crying a few seconds ago. Eyes wide, fear following and cursing the newness too. Trying to the shake off the fact that I was alone. Then I opened a door... I'm gonna be honest that entire class period is a blur. I just know that a couple months later, I wasn't very alone anymore. A key factor when you move is trying to find out where you belong. A team or class maybe. Mine was debate make fun but, I'm not ashamed. Debate became a class I looked forward to go to. I was eager to prove myself. A few months in, turns out it wasn't that bad. I met a quite girl who ended up shocking everyone at how abusive she can be in a round. Nina Williams is a better debater than me but we complete the things we are missing. She's assertive and strong but I'm aggressive and passionate. My amazing public forum partner Nina and I became an unstoppable (sort of) team. (Only freshmen and placed in semi-nationals.) Soon enough my public forum team became my family.   Lulu and Caliegh always there to help. Kyle and Sariah came up with new ideas and always seemed to make me laugh. Joe and Charlie didn't treat us like we were "just freshmen". Nick Coleman and Will Doyle, my event leads, where do I begin with them. Intimidating, insane, slightly egotistical and the most likely to trick the world leaders that nuclear war is a good idea. But they are also talented, funny and good mentors. They helped us become better debaters, though I will never admit it aloud, I owe most of my wins to them. The other segments of the team helped me with adjustment as well. The impromptu team always provided entertainment, Aidan and Adam H. never seize to amaze me. The policy teams leaves me wide eyed, Devon and Gavin always seemed to try to recruit us to their debate cult. The congress team in general just makes me laugh. Our captains gave me something to aspire to. Abby and Catelin are treasures. Bella Canada is just bad a$$. Bella Canada calms you, she makes you smile and she gives you goals. All in all that team became my backbone. My team is family. I mean who else would I spend bus rides at five am with or spend hours with in some random high school. Who else would push me to move on when I had the flu and could barely even move. They helped me through defeats and wins. That's how you know you found good people when, they accept you in high and low moments. When they seem to understand the most confusing parts of you. The people who make you look back at the past just to give you a push in the future. Thank you my team and thank you my family.

Dear.. Well Everyone

picture cred to pintrest.com

Dear people who have an opinion about me,

I never pretended to be anything. Don't hate me because I wasn't what you wanted me to be or what you thought I was. In the end I only was ever one person. I once heard that I was "hated by many, loved by plenty, disliked by some and confronted by none." (Which I'm sure this person read some where and thought it was funny.) Which got me thinking, what did I ever do to you. Did I say the wrong thing, do you realize that I'm new and when you're new you don't know what isn't allowed in other people's minds. If so, I'm sorry but this is what I am. When I say I dislike a person there is a reason. I don't just look at people and have a bad emotion towards them. So when I do bring that up, don't push me off. I grew up on the fact that if someone was talking about me, someone was gonna tell me. In my head you aren't a true friend if you let those people stab me in the back. If I trust you congratulations, you're one of the lucky few. I've been bruised, left and hurt before, so please don't think this trust as a vulnerability. If anything it's just me showing you my metaphorical scars. For those who think they know me, you have only read a page. I didn't grow up with the amount of money you did. I worked my butt off just to get where I am, I don't need your ignorant minds trying to make memories for me. I have enough. For the people that believe we are friends, have you stopped to think there's a reason. Maybe it's because in my head you're gonna be there for me. That if you're aware of my back stabbers that maybe you should tell me. Maybe if I get the courage to tell you that there's a problem, that maybe you should take it under consideration. You probably don't care, but that's how you'd loose me. By letting every problem that I have, brush off your shoulders. I'm not saying make me a priority but loyalty could be help. You're right I may not like a lot of people but listening and understanding would be nice. And for the person who listens. Thank you, thank you for pretending to understand. Even if you're so far away, I know no matter how I feel here you'll be over there ready to hear me. To everyone, I have flaws. I believe things and I argue. I think loyalty is important and fake people bother me. I won't always meet expectations. I'm also human and believe it or not so are you. The difference between most of you guys and me is that I accept my flaws while you simply ignore them. This is me.
Sincerely,
An emotionally tired girl.

I am...

I am… Loved.

"Guys, guess what I just figured out." "What?' "Birth Certificates are basically baby recites." "Really, Reede, really?" "Rachael did you hear this?" "To be honest, I'm trying to ignore you right now." "But this is an amazing discovery!" "Yea, okay Reede." So this was an actual conversation that I had with my math buddies, Juliana and Rachael. The people I thank G*D for every day after lunch… When you move you may want to reinvent yourself, go right ahead. But keep the parts that makes you, you. I know this sounds cheesy, but I've found that certain moments make me who I am, I'm weird, like the moment I gave you first. So I asked my friends what was the first word that they could think of when they thought of me. I am;
Inspiring,
"We won't be able to do this." "Nina yes we can." "How do you know that." "Because I know if I didn't believe in us this much I wouldn't have ever started, I wouldn't be getting ready to talk about carbon tax or Russia or refugees, I believe that no matter how stressed I get. You're gonna be there, telling me about some contention or framework problem. I wouldn't wake up at 4:30 on a Saturday to drive down to Salt Lake. I would let those days where, we are looked down because we are freshman, get to me. I know we got this." "Thank you... How much coffee did you have this morning?" "Too much Nina too much."
Poetic,
"How would you describe being a human." "You know that moment when you are about to loose or the day finally comes crashing down on you. You keep saying it's going to be okay over and over, even if you don't believe it. Or those moments when you walk down the street and you hear that song, the one your dad used to play in the car and now every memory of it sweeps through you. When time finally stops and sits down to have a conversation, not remembering that there are tests to be taken or papers to write." "Where the hell did that come from?" "I have no idea."
Realistic
"So Utah, you excited?" "Why because I'm leaving what I know and the people who love me. To go to a place where I'll be an outsider for awhile." "Dude be a little more optimistic." "Why there isn't a point of sugar coating it, it's gonna suck but I'm gonna have to do it anyway."

I can be who I want because I don't care. I am who I am for a reason, it doesn't matter what town or who I am with. I am the girl laughing too loudly or the one arguing. I have my head stuck in a book. I bite my nails, I love to write and I refuse to filter myself for anyone. I am who I was supposed to be.

Being Erased to Be Remembered

Blank Face = Loneliness
Huffington Post

I will show you how much my words mean. I refuse to be a blank face in your yearbook. I will be something, I swear. I will show you what I am worth, because I will prove to you that I can work just as hard. I've cried too many tears, broken my soul, and travelled through unfamiliar trails to get respect. Just to get right back where I am… When you move no one knows anything about you, there is two sides of that. A clean slate yes but there is one thing that I'm still working for. Not to be blurred face. It's hard for us new kids, now exactly how hard is it? Picture this you're walking down the hall, someone knocks you down, people will just stare, some will giggle and others don't even glance. The one thing they will all have in common is that in the next twenty minutes, my face won't be remembered. It was if when I crossed that Utah border, I was erased. So little people will recognize me outside of class. In San Diego, I'm talked about like a ghost. My face is barely remembered and my actions have been deleted. I'm the girl that never said goodbye. I'm the girl they miss, I'm the girl who said the speech that was the summary of their childhood years. I'm a blurred face, I'm the person in the hall you won't recognize, I'm the picture in the yearbook you don't even look at. I won't be important to you. But I wanna be something, I want my name to be known. When I die, I want my family to say that my thoughts changed the world. I know that sounds cliche, it's true though. I want the kid's that I grew up with, to hear my name and have to dig. Dig because they skipped over this blurred face. I want someone to ask them about me and memories pour in. The times where I fell down to get back up, the times where your eyes looked over me because I was insignificant to you. I have my friends yes and I am thankful for them, at least I know I'm not always alone. So when my name comes up in the news, I hope they remember the texts that were unanswered, the days where they try to filter me. Those unfiltered moments will be the reason why I will be remembered. Don't believe me, just watch. I'll make it on my own. My erased face will not go unforgotten. So if being erased is how I'm going to be remembered, so be it. I'm the girl they miss, I'm the girl who said the speech that was the summary of their childhood years. I'm a blurred face, I'm the person in the hall you won't recognize, I'm the picture in the yearbook you don't even look at. I won't be important to you. But I promise you I will be someone.

New isn't Easy

image thanks to pintrest.com

Friendships are fragile, distance can shatter. Happy endings don't always happen. People change, hearts grow and shrink. Strength can be mistaken for bravery. The walls we build may seem like bricks but, they're really made of paper. These are the truths, the truths that haunt me... I want to apologize I've shown the good that comes out moving what helped me, but never what hurts me. I've made this blog like a photo, smiling most of the time. Here's the truth nothing new is easy. New can be scary, new is unknown.  Nothing is easy when it's new. I want people to be calm when they move but not cocky. Making friends is hard, having to deal with rumors is harder. Some days you will crash and some days you will fly. You will want to go back on random days. It'll hit you like hurricane hitting a peaceful harbor. You'll wonder why at first, why people who haven't talk to you in months are coming in to your mind so suddenly. You'll want to call, but you stop yourself cause you are smarter then that. New isn't easy. New is cold at first but somehow the warmth will find you as it always does. Don't give up on new, don't loose hope some how happiness will find you. But new will still be there, it'll be there when old stories are told. When are photographs are shown. Trust me, new will hold your hand all the way through. People do leave, friends can become strangers but people enter as well. Strangers will become friends. New may not be easy, but it does have sense of humanity. It won't let you down, the killer moths in your stomach will come. The nerves will shake you, but new bodies won't break you. Trust me, though shattering can happen to you, you will find people to pick up the pieces. I will not promise anything, it's taken me to long to finish writing this post, mostly because I don't know how to end it. It isn't new for me to end something so important but it's always hard. Which brings me to tell you when familiarity comes to your door and whispers hello. It'll be short, new seems to come around the corner, once comfortably settles in, new will be there to kick it out. It might not be moving, it might be people or feelings. Still it's new who will never seem to be easy.  New can be scary, new is unknown.  Nothing is easy when it's new. Making friends is hard, having to deal with rumors is harder. Some days you will crash and some days you will fly. You will want to go back on random days. But as the days go on, new will have to pack it's bags for final goodbye. Only because nothing is new, naive or even innocent for too long. Friendships are fragile, distance can shatter. Happy endings don't always happen. People change, hearts grow and shrink. Strength can be mistaken for bravery. The walls we build may seem like bricks but, they're really made of paper.