Being Erased to Be Remembered

Blank Face = Loneliness
Huffington Post

I will show you how much my words mean. I refuse to be a blank face in your yearbook. I will be something, I swear. I will show you what I am worth, because I will prove to you that I can work just as hard. I've cried too many tears, broken my soul, and travelled through unfamiliar trails to get respect. Just to get right back where I am… When you move no one knows anything about you, there is two sides of that. A clean slate yes but there is one thing that I'm still working for. Not to be blurred face. It's hard for us new kids, now exactly how hard is it? Picture this you're walking down the hall, someone knocks you down, people will just stare, some will giggle and others don't even glance. The one thing they will all have in common is that in the next twenty minutes, my face won't be remembered. It was if when I crossed that Utah border, I was erased. So little people will recognize me outside of class. In San Diego, I'm talked about like a ghost. My face is barely remembered and my actions have been deleted. I'm the girl that never said goodbye. I'm the girl they miss, I'm the girl who said the speech that was the summary of their childhood years. I'm a blurred face, I'm the person in the hall you won't recognize, I'm the picture in the yearbook you don't even look at. I won't be important to you. But I wanna be something, I want my name to be known. When I die, I want my family to say that my thoughts changed the world. I know that sounds cliche, it's true though. I want the kid's that I grew up with, to hear my name and have to dig. Dig because they skipped over this blurred face. I want someone to ask them about me and memories pour in. The times where I fell down to get back up, the times where your eyes looked over me because I was insignificant to you. I have my friends yes and I am thankful for them, at least I know I'm not always alone. So when my name comes up in the news, I hope they remember the texts that were unanswered, the days where they try to filter me. Those unfiltered moments will be the reason why I will be remembered. Don't believe me, just watch. I'll make it on my own. My erased face will not go unforgotten. So if being erased is how I'm going to be remembered, so be it. I'm the girl they miss, I'm the girl who said the speech that was the summary of their childhood years. I'm a blurred face, I'm the person in the hall you won't recognize, I'm the picture in the yearbook you don't even look at. I won't be important to you. But I promise you I will be someone.

New isn't Easy

image thanks to pintrest.com

Friendships are fragile, distance can shatter. Happy endings don't always happen. People change, hearts grow and shrink. Strength can be mistaken for bravery. The walls we build may seem like bricks but, they're really made of paper. These are the truths, the truths that haunt me... I want to apologize I've shown the good that comes out moving what helped me, but never what hurts me. I've made this blog like a photo, smiling most of the time. Here's the truth nothing new is easy. New can be scary, new is unknown.  Nothing is easy when it's new. I want people to be calm when they move but not cocky. Making friends is hard, having to deal with rumors is harder. Some days you will crash and some days you will fly. You will want to go back on random days. It'll hit you like hurricane hitting a peaceful harbor. You'll wonder why at first, why people who haven't talk to you in months are coming in to your mind so suddenly. You'll want to call, but you stop yourself cause you are smarter then that. New isn't easy. New is cold at first but somehow the warmth will find you as it always does. Don't give up on new, don't loose hope some how happiness will find you. But new will still be there, it'll be there when old stories are told. When are photographs are shown. Trust me, new will hold your hand all the way through. People do leave, friends can become strangers but people enter as well. Strangers will become friends. New may not be easy, but it does have sense of humanity. It won't let you down, the killer moths in your stomach will come. The nerves will shake you, but new bodies won't break you. Trust me, though shattering can happen to you, you will find people to pick up the pieces. I will not promise anything, it's taken me to long to finish writing this post, mostly because I don't know how to end it. It isn't new for me to end something so important but it's always hard. Which brings me to tell you when familiarity comes to your door and whispers hello. It'll be short, new seems to come around the corner, once comfortably settles in, new will be there to kick it out. It might not be moving, it might be people or feelings. Still it's new who will never seem to be easy.  New can be scary, new is unknown.  Nothing is easy when it's new. Making friends is hard, having to deal with rumors is harder. Some days you will crash and some days you will fly. You will want to go back on random days. But as the days go on, new will have to pack it's bags for final goodbye. Only because nothing is new, naive or even innocent for too long. Friendships are fragile, distance can shatter. Happy endings don't always happen. People change, hearts grow and shrink. Strength can be mistaken for bravery. The walls we build may seem like bricks but, they're really made of paper.

«∞here's to the tumblr kids∞«

imagine thanks to lovethispics

Our flat ironed hair goes to messy buns. We put on some pajama shorts and high knee socks. We forget about all the drama that happened before because for us it doesn't matter. We are bedroom goals, beach pictures and nothing will get in our way from our computers. We all do this for our fandoms, for our families outside of blood. This is for tumblr.  This is for the tumblr kids. This is for the girls with high expectations, that want the things they can't have. This is for the boys who want to be that boy, the one all the girls talk about. This is for the girls writing imagines about a person they've never met but some how still love them anyhow. For the boys who love the kid shows and books. For the kids who would do anything for fanmily (fandom family). We are the kids you wouldn't expect to say these things, but we do anyway. Dreaming about the One True Pair (my OTP don't you judge)  or those perfect sunset pictures. So let's cheers, here's to the kids who want more then the black and white polaroid picture. Here's to the artists who find an outlet, to the writers who pour their hearts out in a single poem, and to the game changers who find a way to transform a single post into a different life. Everyone telling us to get off the shiny glowing screens, but we won't. Only because we are in the only place where hobbits talk to shadowhunters, where you watch as a Directioner and a Potterhead fight about the difference between being an atheist and not believing in G*d. We get to watch as the boy in Arizona who sits in the back of the class finally talks to the loud and outgoing girl in New York. Make fun of us sure, say we are just scared teens who are to addicted to our computers to go outside. We write a new world inside of very favorite books, rewrite an ending in so many different ways. (SPOILERS ALERT NOT REALLY THOUGH) For us this time Tris isn't gonna die, Draco and Harry will realize they love each other. Or they will rewrite their own story, this time he won't lie to me, this time she'll believe me. Here's to the tumblr kids, the one's who find an outlet. Here's to the kids who live by music lyrics.  This one's for the kids who don't really seem to care but actually care too much. Because if it wasn't for us who comedians make stereotypes about. Because who would the author's write their tragic characters after. We fill in the spaces people think that are empty. We are the unknowns, we are the spaces that don't need to be filled. So here's to us. This blog post is for the broken and unbroken, for the naive and knowing, for the girls and boys. This was for the tumblr kids.

The Moral of the Story

Image thanks to Pintrest.com

Lets go back to elementary school when you had to learn the moral of the story. Trying to figure out what the author was trying to tell you. Here's the my moral you guys or lesson of you will. Life doesn't owe you anything, you have to work for what you get. I'm honestly done with people complaining about how they have too much or too little. There are approximately 7.3 billion people on this world, do you really think your problem is the biggest one. People are dying for worst causes then a broken nail. Stop making things to nonsense on purpose. If you are going to scream remember what happened when the boy cried wolf, or how curiosity killed the cat. Maybe you'll remember that tricks aren't supposed to be played constantly and that some news just aren't for you to know. Start paying attention to the morals of the stories that we learned as kids. A rapper once said "I write 'till my fingers look like a bouquet of roses  you got to bring yourself your flowers now in show biz' focus it's quiet coyote come on let's go, kids Everybody get together with a study buddy And I'll talk about the **** that I don't give." Yes I just quoted Watsky. But he has a very valid point, you work hard to achieve, I will repeat this again, life doesn't owe you a thing.  You may save a life and get fired from your job and you may cry a hundred days and never smile. Life doesn't play by any rules, no point in believing that it does. I'm turning fifteen this year and I've already grasped this idea of not knowing what comes next. Maybe my moral of life is wrong but so is the fact that no one believed the boy when he needed help or how the rabbit lost it's race. Life is realistic, our lessons we were taught as kids weren't. Maybe that's why so many people believe that they deserve something. We aren't going to be children forever, I'm not saying to stop teaching blind optimism. But at some age we should realize that there isn't a point in still believing that our prince or princess will come. If we were taught to dream don't you think most nights would less dark. Maybe the girl who said she's just little tired means something more. Or the boy who has the math answers would like to talk about anything but. We were taught that the boy lied every time and rabbit got a little cocky. Maybe the boy had anxiety and got a little scared. Maybe the rabbit got sick of being the winner and wanted to learn something. So yes please complain, please not read the whole story. Maybe you will actually learn a few things about the true moral of life. Life doesn't owe you anything. So if you bring up elementary school stories, just know that fairytales aren't gonna come true. If you read into more then just the surface you'd see terrors of living in terrorless happiness. Because the moral of the story is?....

Change of Pace

To those two people actually read my blog, I'm changing my blog type. There so many things other then places to talk about so from now on this is a rant blog. So yea change of pace guys. The metaphor of the pilot seat still works, trust me. But it's slightly changed, this time it means to take all our nothing. You're gonna fly the plane or you aren't. SO here goes everything. 

Hopefully this one is true..
Image thanks to Idulgy.com 

They said it I had it easy moving here was easy for me. Have you ever seen your best friend break, have you ever seen the girl who was your shoulder start to cry? Well then don't tell me it was easy because it was the exact opposite of easy. I left a part of me there something I can't get back. It's funny, when I moved to Park City I thought I would be screwed. I mean my parents chose the one city that seemed to be on a different planet compared to my hometown. Most of the kids in my old school hadn't even seen snow before. That would come across to about half of my current school as crazy. Park City thinks they are over crowed at thirty kids per class. My English Class had forty seven kids in the class and we were the smallest out of all seven that he had. Listen I'm not complaining, its just funny that we ended up here. Two very different states, two very different  cultures and two very different homes.  It reminds me to my first day in AP geography. My teacher was talking about what we were gonna learn when he says something on the lines of,"you'll find that a lot of states here seem like an entire planet away." then a kid someone who I will not name (but it does start with an A, you know who you are).... Yelled out California like it was the most logical answer in the world. I wanted yell back and say no but, I stopped and realized maybe he isn't wrong. Like how people haven't seen snow there, some people haven't been to the beach here. I understand I kinda restated what I said before. It's an important concept that I have just now come across. 

Back to what I was saying before, I thought I was screwed. Why wouldn't I be, I had different hobbies, I 'talked differently', and I grew up in the same small town my entire life. Can I just explain San Elijo Hills for a second, I know San Diego is a pretty big city. But the place where I grew up was a very very very very very very small town. Everyone knows everyone, in my entire life there, maybe only two new kids moved there. I had everything planned out for me. The schools, the friends and everything an eighth grade girl could dream of, (with in reason because nothing is certain.) But you what you don't expect is that you will be moving, that you have to tell the girl who was a sister to you that you've been keeping something from her for six months.  When you move you are only thinking about you in that moment not the others around. Until it's the last week and you realize you aren't gonna see these people ever again. You aren't gonna see the kids who grew up with you. The oy who stood up for you when no one else would. The girl you would talk to everyday. In a few years they might be the last thing form your mind.....

I didn't adjust well either. This place wasn't home for such a longtime for me. It wasn't until I accepted the fact that this was my very different home and  I wasn't gonna move back. That I really started to fit in here. Not that I do now, I'm not a ski kid, this is my first time ever having an all day locker etc. My life has been very different then kids here. Hopefully one day I'll start getting used to this place.  You could say that moving was easy for me but it wasn't. Leaving is a two way street. I had to experience both sides of it.