Being Erased to Be Remembered

Blank Face = Loneliness
Huffington Post

I will show you how much my words mean. I refuse to be a blank face in your yearbook. I will be something, I swear. I will show you what I am worth, because I will prove to you that I can work just as hard. I've cried too many tears, broken my soul, and travelled through unfamiliar trails to get respect. Just to get right back where I am… When you move no one knows anything about you, there is two sides of that. A clean slate yes but there is one thing that I'm still working for. Not to be blurred face. It's hard for us new kids, now exactly how hard is it? Picture this you're walking down the hall, someone knocks you down, people will just stare, some will giggle and others don't even glance. The one thing they will all have in common is that in the next twenty minutes, my face won't be remembered. It was if when I crossed that Utah border, I was erased. So little people will recognize me outside of class. In San Diego, I'm talked about like a ghost. My face is barely remembered and my actions have been deleted. I'm the girl that never said goodbye. I'm the girl they miss, I'm the girl who said the speech that was the summary of their childhood years. I'm a blurred face, I'm the person in the hall you won't recognize, I'm the picture in the yearbook you don't even look at. I won't be important to you. But I wanna be something, I want my name to be known. When I die, I want my family to say that my thoughts changed the world. I know that sounds cliche, it's true though. I want the kid's that I grew up with, to hear my name and have to dig. Dig because they skipped over this blurred face. I want someone to ask them about me and memories pour in. The times where I fell down to get back up, the times where your eyes looked over me because I was insignificant to you. I have my friends yes and I am thankful for them, at least I know I'm not always alone. So when my name comes up in the news, I hope they remember the texts that were unanswered, the days where they try to filter me. Those unfiltered moments will be the reason why I will be remembered. Don't believe me, just watch. I'll make it on my own. My erased face will not go unforgotten. So if being erased is how I'm going to be remembered, so be it. I'm the girl they miss, I'm the girl who said the speech that was the summary of their childhood years. I'm a blurred face, I'm the person in the hall you won't recognize, I'm the picture in the yearbook you don't even look at. I won't be important to you. But I promise you I will be someone.

Two Sides of Goodbyes

Here she is my one and only
My Blondie: Marin Jones

She walked in with a dark black underneath her eyes. They beat her emotionally to the core and now she's tired. Tired because she had look her best friend in the eye today and tell her their friendship could last 751.12 miles away. They all asked why her other half was moving. Everyone was whispering in the halls, telling her she didn't feel the pain alone. But this girl was her sister, the one person who understood everything she said, they all made points: how could you be hurt more then me I've known for her 5 or 6 years. But they didn't know the things she did, they weren't there for her like she was. They couldn't see the things her best friend was trying to tell them. So when she finally got home that night, she cried like there wasn't a tomorrow. Within each tear that shed was memory of the laughs and the moments that they spent together. Each of them strong enough to last a life time.

To quote The Script , "Where is the good in goodbye, where is the nice in nice try?" My best friend doesn't like the script, she always thought they sung about the same thing. Plus they always made her feel sad and she doesn't like feeling sad. She will always be one of the toughest people I will ever know. Seeing her cry was a reality check for me, moving was effecting other people than me.  We talked that weekend after I told everyone else, she told me what it was like for her. I don't know if what I saw as true, but she was cracking, underneath the pressure? I will never know. All I do know is that we were kinda scared. I didn't know what was gonna happen, how could you, there was no way of knowing.  You just hope that it'll turn out ok. The last time I saw her I was leaving her house. She wanted my last night in San Elijo to be at her house. The house we came home to when, we walked around the town. The days when we sat at the park and ranted about the smallest things. That seemed so big at the time. Or the mornings where we could just lay there perfectly content...

 For those of you that either have had to leave your best friend or have been left by your best friend.  You might know what I'm talking about. I don't want to sound some old wise person telling you life lessons. But losing your best friend hurts because then you know your friendship wasn't even that strong enough to begin with. I would be a lot of different things with out her, she knows that some days I need to be alone and others I just need to not be. Maybe you thought of a person maybe you didn't but in the end if that kinda of person is with you don't loose them. I know what its like not to see them everyday and it hurts. She does to, and somedays I wish that she didn't. 

Change of Pace

To those two people actually read my blog, I'm changing my blog type. There so many things other then places to talk about so from now on this is a rant blog. So yea change of pace guys. The metaphor of the pilot seat still works, trust me. But it's slightly changed, this time it means to take all our nothing. You're gonna fly the plane or you aren't. SO here goes everything. 

Hopefully this one is true..
Image thanks to Idulgy.com 

They said it I had it easy moving here was easy for me. Have you ever seen your best friend break, have you ever seen the girl who was your shoulder start to cry? Well then don't tell me it was easy because it was the exact opposite of easy. I left a part of me there something I can't get back. It's funny, when I moved to Park City I thought I would be screwed. I mean my parents chose the one city that seemed to be on a different planet compared to my hometown. Most of the kids in my old school hadn't even seen snow before. That would come across to about half of my current school as crazy. Park City thinks they are over crowed at thirty kids per class. My English Class had forty seven kids in the class and we were the smallest out of all seven that he had. Listen I'm not complaining, its just funny that we ended up here. Two very different states, two very different  cultures and two very different homes.  It reminds me to my first day in AP geography. My teacher was talking about what we were gonna learn when he says something on the lines of,"you'll find that a lot of states here seem like an entire planet away." then a kid someone who I will not name (but it does start with an A, you know who you are).... Yelled out California like it was the most logical answer in the world. I wanted yell back and say no but, I stopped and realized maybe he isn't wrong. Like how people haven't seen snow there, some people haven't been to the beach here. I understand I kinda restated what I said before. It's an important concept that I have just now come across. 

Back to what I was saying before, I thought I was screwed. Why wouldn't I be, I had different hobbies, I 'talked differently', and I grew up in the same small town my entire life. Can I just explain San Elijo Hills for a second, I know San Diego is a pretty big city. But the place where I grew up was a very very very very very very small town. Everyone knows everyone, in my entire life there, maybe only two new kids moved there. I had everything planned out for me. The schools, the friends and everything an eighth grade girl could dream of, (with in reason because nothing is certain.) But you what you don't expect is that you will be moving, that you have to tell the girl who was a sister to you that you've been keeping something from her for six months.  When you move you are only thinking about you in that moment not the others around. Until it's the last week and you realize you aren't gonna see these people ever again. You aren't gonna see the kids who grew up with you. The oy who stood up for you when no one else would. The girl you would talk to everyday. In a few years they might be the last thing form your mind.....

I didn't adjust well either. This place wasn't home for such a longtime for me. It wasn't until I accepted the fact that this was my very different home and  I wasn't gonna move back. That I really started to fit in here. Not that I do now, I'm not a ski kid, this is my first time ever having an all day locker etc. My life has been very different then kids here. Hopefully one day I'll start getting used to this place.  You could say that moving was easy for me but it wasn't. Leaving is a two way street. I had to experience both sides of it. 

The Affects of Leaving and Coming Back

 Every time I leave a piece of my heart stays there. It hurts to leave and it hurts to stay. I am torn between two places a home and a house if you will. I love it here I do but you can't force memories.  You can't just make so many years of growth and change happen. This place wasn't just a home for me, it was where I lived, I strived and became who I was. 

Coming Back Image Provided by flickr

 I recently went to back home to San Diego for UEA break and I almost forgot how much it hurts to leave... Hey guys it's Reede and if you haven't guessed already this isn't going to be a normal blog post for me. The reason why I am posting this is that when you leave a place once it doesn't hurt as much. But when you come back it starts to sting. Not a lot of people know that. 

  So while I was there, I stayed with my best friend and went to school with her. I know why go to school when just you just got school off? I am weird okay. But in that time I don't think, I have never smiled and cried as much as I did that day. People were shocked, some thought I was always there and never left. Some thought I would never come back. They all had different reactions to me being there too. For example, my friend Jennifer Van saw me and she screamed. Then clung on me to the point where I fell down. That was a happy reaction. But my friend Lauren who I've known since I could tie my shoes, started to cry. That was an interesting reaction... In those moments I realized the effects of coming and going have on a person. On either sides of the deal. It isn't fair or right to get up and leave people. But then what would you say traveling is. So much work goes into making a vacation perfect. The people you meet their. Believe or not you effected their vacation. We never think of it that way either.

 We are all effected by what others do. Leaving can hurt a person. Coming back can change a person. In some ways that's what traveling does to you. If you leave your heart too many places, you won't have enough to live. Going back to San Diego I thought about what my life here was like and what my life I could've been like there. Either way I liked my options. Here is how I was effected, leaving hurt but it helped me grow. I would be much different then I was if I stayed in California. Coming back was a different story. The town where I grew up in seemed smaller. The people I knew seemed different. Do I want to move back? If you asked me that a month ago it would have been a yes. But right now it's a no. You never know how much you need to leave a place till you're already gone.