A Personal Defintion of Being Self Conscious

While you're hiding your head,
you might just be a wonder to everyone else.
Image thanks to Pinterest.com

Self Conscious: feeling undue awareness of oneself, one's appearance, or one's actions, Merriam Webster. I'm not gonna rant about the problems in today's society and go all feminist on you. But I will say this and only this. We all should have right to be self conscious. I'm strong believer in that everything and everyone is beautiful, I also understand the greatness of this contradiction. But when your close friend tells you that what you feel is stupid or someone you trust calls you selfish because of it. You slowly start to wonder why the people you are closest to suddenly feels the need to talk this emotion away from you. Though you know it's all in good measure. I just can't help but feel that some teenage right of mine is being taken away. Because I understand we are our own worst critics and the way I look myself should be better than it actually is. And when the people who care about me are trying to shut down that feeling, I can't just help but laugh because I feel like it's making it worse. I know they don't know that either. This might feel like I'm blaming them but I'm not. Maybe they don't know what they are doing because of the way I portray myself, if so I'm glad. Maybe this is too personal for you or me. But this is also something that needs to be said or read. The truth is, no matter how many people say otherwise, people will have low self esteem. Blame beauty standards, rude high school kids or other justifiable reasons. So why does society diminish this feeling? If we all feel it some point in our lives, instead of saying no, why not let us be? Why do we bring others down if we all go through similar things? It doesn't make sense, self loathing is common theme in most people's lives. So here's my definition of being self conscious. It's the feeling of insecurity, when you look away from the mirror or curse your self for talking. It's those moments when you keep your head down and stay quite because you don't want to do anything wrong. The moments when the laughing from others is what is causing your crying. Or when the people who love you most say the wrong thing at the worst time. So there you go, put others down. But make sure you understand, that in the end of it all you caused it. You caused the feeling of crushing defeat. The same feeling that will be put on you by another. It's a cycle, the needing to hurt others. So once more, it's the feeling when you're at your lowest. When the laughing is too much or the silence is deafening. It's  the collapsing when the people you love, don't seem to care at all. And when the loneliness catches up with you just to keep you company. If you go by this definition or another's, I hope that you understand the feeling of it all is the same.

Dear.. Well Everyone

picture cred to pintrest.com

Dear people who have an opinion about me,

I never pretended to be anything. Don't hate me because I wasn't what you wanted me to be or what you thought I was. In the end I only was ever one person. I once heard that I was "hated by many, loved by plenty, disliked by some and confronted by none." (Which I'm sure this person read some where and thought it was funny.) Which got me thinking, what did I ever do to you. Did I say the wrong thing, do you realize that I'm new and when you're new you don't know what isn't allowed in other people's minds. If so, I'm sorry but this is what I am. When I say I dislike a person there is a reason. I don't just look at people and have a bad emotion towards them. So when I do bring that up, don't push me off. I grew up on the fact that if someone was talking about me, someone was gonna tell me. In my head you aren't a true friend if you let those people stab me in the back. If I trust you congratulations, you're one of the lucky few. I've been bruised, left and hurt before, so please don't think this trust as a vulnerability. If anything it's just me showing you my metaphorical scars. For those who think they know me, you have only read a page. I didn't grow up with the amount of money you did. I worked my butt off just to get where I am, I don't need your ignorant minds trying to make memories for me. I have enough. For the people that believe we are friends, have you stopped to think there's a reason. Maybe it's because in my head you're gonna be there for me. That if you're aware of my back stabbers that maybe you should tell me. Maybe if I get the courage to tell you that there's a problem, that maybe you should take it under consideration. You probably don't care, but that's how you'd loose me. By letting every problem that I have, brush off your shoulders. I'm not saying make me a priority but loyalty could be help. You're right I may not like a lot of people but listening and understanding would be nice. And for the person who listens. Thank you, thank you for pretending to understand. Even if you're so far away, I know no matter how I feel here you'll be over there ready to hear me. To everyone, I have flaws. I believe things and I argue. I think loyalty is important and fake people bother me. I won't always meet expectations. I'm also human and believe it or not so are you. The difference between most of you guys and me is that I accept my flaws while you simply ignore them. This is me.
Sincerely,
An emotionally tired girl.

"Rumors at least you're spreading something besides your legs :)"

What I think about when I hear a Rumor about me
thanks to quotesgram.com

Let me tell you a story, there was girl who went to my school since kindergarten. We had every class together in middle school but I only have spoken to her once. See she had a reputation. The rumor was she's got five boyfriends, she hooked up with a junior. So basically she's a slut. At least that's what I thought. For her sake I'm changing her name, lets call her Ally. Ally didn't dress like her reputation. She was an average girl, smile a lot, didn't talk much though. One day I found her crying. Ally was breaking, I sat down next her. She said in her quiet voice " Ask me, ask me if the rumors are true." So as a naturally curious person I asked. She explained, she had five brothers they are all physically and mentally talented so they went to a private school. The 'junior' was her cousin, where in his culture you kiss on the lips to say goodbye. We ended up talking all lunch, she thanked me for listening, and went to the bathroom to wash the shame away. A boy walked up to me and asked if I learned any good tips. At that moment I couldn't think, if you have seen me mad you know that when I get angry and you can't stop me.  Lets just say he went away real quickly. The last couple of months people looked at Ally differently. Rumors are killers, mentally hurting you until you need to break....

Hey guys its Reede and its time to talk about rumors. And yes the story I just said was a hundred percent true. Don't believe me say it to my face please instead of telling other people. I am o sick and tired of hearing new things about me every week. I like this dude, I'm psycho, my family isn't from California, my sister doesn't actually exists. I am kinda sick of it. It's my life get your face out of it, if you have something to say about me say it to my face (you know exactly who you are.)  Honestly people just need to grow up and either stop talking or tell it to people straight. It's hard for a person to go on when people tell lies as if they were truths. I watched a strong girl crack that day, a girl I knew since we were five, and I never said a word. I was guilty and that was my fault I get that, but I stopped them, I tried. I'm sorry if I'm hurting any one's feelings but I don't give a sh!t. Honestly if you're reading this blog and  you're thinking 'This doesn't apply to me.' Well you're lying to yourself, we both know that when you hear something interesting you are going to your friends not caring if it's true or not. So I'm clear out some interesting things people think are true.

• I don't like anyone, it's not any of your business either
• I don't hate Park City believe or not I like it here
• I'm actually from California check the 'about me' page you're gonna see proof
• I'm also perfectly happy with my life

Glad I cleared that up. I'm honestly really done with people right now. That's kinda why I come across super angry because you know what I am. People need to stay in their own lives and not anyone else. Thank you