Infinte.

The moments given
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It started, it progressed, it became and now it's ending. Goodbyes are not forever, just simply an I'll miss you till I see you again. It's time look back for awhile. Look at my low points and high points too. Remembering the past and hoping it helps the future. When I started this blog post I looked over a post called, "The Effects of Leaving and Coming Back"  it sounded forced, like what I was saying were just lies. Only because I didn't want people to think I was unhappy here. I was happy, just not home… But reading further to newer posts the lies weren't there. When I started this blog I was the praying for the U-Haul to come and drive me back to San Diego. For my parents to grab me at school and give me a one way ticket out of here. I just wanted to go home. I was a girl who never saw an actual winter. I was the kid who realized most of her classmates are Barneys. I cried in between classes and kept looking for the quickest escape route. I was just hoping that grasping on would be less painful than letting go. Blogging gave me an outlet, a place where I could go away from the loud whispers around me. Did it change it my life? No, not even close. But it showed me how much I've changed through out the year.  Starting out as a new kid dealing with clouds of ignorance. Ending up a little less new and little less ignorant. And it's because of the moments I've had here. The nights where Maya and I couldn't stop laughing or the days where the house seemed too quite. The lunches where Olivia drank her kiwis or Annie wouldn't stop yelling. The tournaments when Nina got angry or when Sariah flirted with a cowboy. Or the English classes where Haley debated and Ashley complained.  Or maybe the weekends spent cooking and studying. They made what I am today. My self confidence is much higher, my writing is much better and my family and I are much closer. I do know that I'm different today than I was yesterday. It's funny looking back how much I hated change and now looking forward I can't wait for it. And though this is the end, I don't feel like I'm losing what I've tried to say for the past year. I've accepted what's to come. The fact that I'll be living in 'cardboard' for four more years.  Or how I'm always going to miss San Diego, just less as I did before. Differences and similarities will always be sorted out in my mind. Lessons will stick with me for a long time... For example, my fourth grade teacher taught me a lot. How we shouldn't write the end on a paper unless we really are done. I told him I wouldn't ever write that till I had to end something significant. I've been waiting for awhile to that write down. I'm a girl within the story with too many pages. Who likes to look back and reminisce. Who knows she feels loved. The End.

When Haley laughed and Ashley smiled. 

A Personal Defintion of Being Self Conscious

While you're hiding your head,
you might just be a wonder to everyone else.
Image thanks to Pinterest.com

Self Conscious: feeling undue awareness of oneself, one's appearance, or one's actions, Merriam Webster. I'm not gonna rant about the problems in today's society and go all feminist on you. But I will say this and only this. We all should have right to be self conscious. I'm strong believer in that everything and everyone is beautiful, I also understand the greatness of this contradiction. But when your close friend tells you that what you feel is stupid or someone you trust calls you selfish because of it. You slowly start to wonder why the people you are closest to suddenly feels the need to talk this emotion away from you. Though you know it's all in good measure. I just can't help but feel that some teenage right of mine is being taken away. Because I understand we are our own worst critics and the way I look myself should be better than it actually is. And when the people who care about me are trying to shut down that feeling, I can't just help but laugh because I feel like it's making it worse. I know they don't know that either. This might feel like I'm blaming them but I'm not. Maybe they don't know what they are doing because of the way I portray myself, if so I'm glad. Maybe this is too personal for you or me. But this is also something that needs to be said or read. The truth is, no matter how many people say otherwise, people will have low self esteem. Blame beauty standards, rude high school kids or other justifiable reasons. So why does society diminish this feeling? If we all feel it some point in our lives, instead of saying no, why not let us be? Why do we bring others down if we all go through similar things? It doesn't make sense, self loathing is common theme in most people's lives. So here's my definition of being self conscious. It's the feeling of insecurity, when you look away from the mirror or curse your self for talking. It's those moments when you keep your head down and stay quite because you don't want to do anything wrong. The moments when the laughing from others is what is causing your crying. Or when the people who love you most say the wrong thing at the worst time. So there you go, put others down. But make sure you understand, that in the end of it all you caused it. You caused the feeling of crushing defeat. The same feeling that will be put on you by another. It's a cycle, the needing to hurt others. So once more, it's the feeling when you're at your lowest. When the laughing is too much or the silence is deafening. It's  the collapsing when the people you love, don't seem to care at all. And when the loneliness catches up with you just to keep you company. If you go by this definition or another's, I hope that you understand the feeling of it all is the same.